Bo Burnham – Left Brain, Right Brain

—Hello, patient 24602.
—I’m sorry—Hello, how are—.
—How are you feeling?
—Um, not great.
—Has the treatment been working?
—Uh, I don’t think so, no.
—What are your remaining symptoms?
—I just—I internalize my feelings a lot. I have trouble articulating how I’m feeling to other people. I feel like I just—.
—So basically you’re still a little bitch.
—Yes, very mature of you disembodied voice way up there.
—I was just joking, nigga.
—All right, you’re not as safe in Wisconsin as you might think with that shit.
—I’m not human I can say whatever I want.
—Okay, just let’s get to the point. What’s wrong with me, please? Please.
—Your emotions and your logic are at war.
—OK.
—Your creativity and your analysis are at war. And most simply, your left and right brain are at war.
—My left and my—.
—To fix the problem we must separate them from each other.
—Sep—
—Splitting your neurological functions in 5… 4…
—Can we book an appointment or something?
—3…
—You just don’t start counting down to major medical procedures.
—2… 1.
—This may hurt a bit.
—I don’t even know what ‘it’ is.
—0.
—Just tell me what you’re—.
—Isolation complete.
—This is Bo’s Left Brain: objective, logical, cold, analytical, aware of patterns, aware of trends, he’s efficient, and a prick.
This is Bo’s Right Brain: subjective, creative, sensory, aware of feelings, aware of people, he’s emotional, and an idiot
—That’s your opinion. Just careful with opinions.
—Okay, boys, play nice.

I am the Left Brain, I am the Left Brain.
I work really hard ’til my inevitable death brain.
You got a job to do, you better do it right,
and the right way is with the left brain’s might.

I like Oreos and pussy, yeah (yes, in that order)!
And I cried for at least an hour after watching “Toy Story 3”. (Woody!)
I am the Right Brain, I have feelings.
I’m a little all over the place
But I’m lustful, trustful
and I’m looking for somebody to love…
Or put my penis in

Here comes a female, here comes a female.
Puff your chest out, take your phone and check your e-mail.
Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate.
So gather data now and see if she’s a possible mate.

Holy fuck I think she might be the one,
there’s something about her, I just can’t describe it.

Tits.

I am the earth, she is the glorious sun.
I want her to trust me and I just want her to—how do I say this—sit on my face!
Sit! Sit on my face!

Alright now, Right Brain, you’re being insane.

No, Left Brain, I’m just being alive.
You should try it,
you might like it.

I worked hard to give him everything he cared about.
You were worried about the things that he was scared about.
I’m calm and collected when you act wild.
I am the adult, you are the child.

You think you’re the right one every time.
You think you know everything but you don’t know anything at all.
Half of his problems were supposed to be mine.
But you wanted everything.
I hope that you’re happy ’cause he’s sure not.

—Well, according to my calculations. I’m sorry, let me run the numbers again, um, you’re a pussy.
—Name calling? Really? You’re gonna just do name calling?
—I’m not calling names, alright. I’m just stating facts and the fact is you’re a quivering pussy.
—I’m the pussy? Well, at least I don’t play with toys still, OK…
—Rubik’s Cubes are not toys. They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp.
—Left Brain plays with toys! Look at you, Mr… you’re a toy player.
—Well, at least I did my fucking job, alright. I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this. Now you’re trying to blame me for how he’s feeling, how he’s feeling! If he’s feeling unhappy it’s because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you. I know he does. He fucking hates you!
—[*crying*]
—Right Brain, look, I’m sorry, okay?
—No, you’re not.
—Look, maybe there’s something that we could do together.
—Together?
—Take the best parts of both of us and put them together.
—I’m listening.

It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyze.
So you could man the themes; I’ll man the form.
It’s something that George Carlin did,
It’s something that Steve Martin did.
It’s something special that we could both perform.
Do you know what it is?

—Juggling, we could juggle, and juggle our cares away!
—It was… It was comedy, you, fuck it, we could do comedy together.

—Initiate reassembly.
—All right, Right Brain, we’re gonna do comedy together, we gotta do comedy together.
—All right, Left Brain, I’ll do comedy with you.
—Look, we can fix him like this—we can make him happy again. I promise, all right?
—5, 4, 3.
—Left Brain… Left Brain, I love you.
—2.
—I know.
—1. Experimentation complete.

Updated: 23 February 2018 — 20:29

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